


He Was Free

by Raikcaa



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Character Death, Child Neglect, Grief/Mourning, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 20:43:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18698803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raikcaa/pseuds/Raikcaa
Summary: Ben looks back on his death and the events leading towards his death. His family goes through mourning. Some more Ben angst :)





	He Was Free

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy this angst.

Ironically, Ben and Klaus were never close. Only in death had they found friendship. Well, it was more of a forced friendship... Ben was sort of tethered to Klaus.

Ben used to think Klaus’s personality was overwhelming and contrasted his own quiet self. Klaus used to think that Ben was boring. 

Klaus was close to Diego, they both had a strong dislike for Luther and their father. They even had their own secret handshake. Klaus was often found in Diego’s room, the two of them hanging out together like old friends. They were closer then he and Klaus were, too bad they drifted away as soon as Diego left.

When Diego and Luther were training together, trying to best each other or when Diego watched Mom cook then Klaus would hang out with Allison. 

Klaus and Allison were even closer then Klaus and himself. They both liked fashion, the glamorous life. They used to dream of being famous together. They used to paint each other’s nails as Ben saw them through the crack of his door. Allison cared about Klaus and vice versa. 

Ben let Luther order him around. Ben didn’t think Luther was always right but Ben wanted to avoid as much conflict as possible, he didn't want to be angry. He had never been close to Luther but he never had any problems with him, expect the typical sibling arguments. Ben tried to be nice to Luther, after all no one else was going to try.

Ben had been closest to Five and Vanya. 

Five and Vanya were much closer then either was to Ben but they still liked his company. 

Together the three weren’t pressured to be anything by anyone. They could just be themselves. They could be children. Ben always enjoyed how smart Five was and he always enjoyed how he and Vanya could be quiet near each other. They let their guard down with each other.

One of Ben’s fondest memories was a rainy day where Father was gone for some meeting or something that needed his attention. It was a day off and Ben spent it with Five and Vanya. All they did was relax, Ben read a book on Vanya’s bed while she practiced her music and Five practiced some sort of math equations Ben didn’t quite understand. 

It was nice. 

Once Five disappeared when they were 13, things started to look down. 

Ben comforted Vanya. They helped each other, they tried to fill the void left by Five but it wasn’t enough. Eventually Vanya shut the door to her room more and more and Ben didn’t try to open it. They naturally drifted apart, sure they could have tried more and more but they didn’t.

Ben felt alone more and more.

Ben didn’t blame them. He could have if he wanted too but no his death was his own fault. 

During training Ben always wanted to prove himself. He always watched Diego and Luther spar and he always wanted to practice as well. Maybe he could get really good at fighting, then he wouldn’t have to rely on his monsters. 

Diego and Luther always told him no. They told him to spar with Allison but she was always busy with Klaus or didn't want to. She probably didn't want to kick Ben's ass.

The times he watched Allison and Klaus sneak out. He could watch them from Five’s window. He spent his time brooding in Five’s room because it was familiar. Allison and Klaus invited Diego or even Vanya out a few times but never him. Maybe they were afraid he'd tell Luther... or Father.

Luther used to pick on him for being the weakest in the family, he was after all Six, lower than everyone else. Luther used to joke that even Vanya was stronger then him. 

Diego used to make snarky comments about how he could never win a battle alone, always needing his power. Ben always thought that Diego could have been a little jealous, Diego didn't understand how jealous Ben was that he got cool powers that didn't try to kill everyone and himself.

Allison and Klaus talked about how short and scrawny he was when they didn’t think he was listening. They said even Vanya was taller than him.

Vanya was never mean. Vanya just sometimes ignored him. Ben understood though, Vanya grew tired of all her siblings. Vanya wanted to be gone.

So Ben turned to the library. He had at least read three quarters of the library before he had died. He was alone but sometimes the books helped him, they helped him dream of somewhere else.

Ben was always left alone with his books but those books didn’t make up for the interactions he wanted from his family.

All the children felt more pressured to become stronger, they had to fill the void that was Five’s strength. 

Ben wasn’t getting stronger, the monster in his stomach was. This caused quite a few issues. 

One. Most of his emotions were out of his control. His anger, his envy and all the negative emotions often overwhelmed his happiness. He knew the monster was fueling this, whenever he got angry his stomach hurt. 

Of course he didn’t let it show. Despite the monster’s cries for attention, he refused to let it show. He let his emotions boil, that probably wasn’t the best thing to do considering how powerful his wraith would be when he finally burst. 

Which leads to the second issue. Most of his energy went to trying to control himself. This led to times at night where he silently screamed or cried as an attempt to releasing his anger. 

Or the missions. He killed his targets and gave them more violent deaths. He lost himself a few times, missions were the few times he could let the monster out without hurting anyone he cared about. 

However, Ben could imagine the faces of his family if they saw him. Maybe that would confirm it, maybe that would confirm what they thought about him. 

They would always think of him as a weapon- no worse, a monster. To be fair Ben saw himself as a monster.

Lastly, the monster in his stomach hurt him. They were angry with him. They wanted Ben to let Them take control and Ben wouldn’t let them. 

Sometimes Ben couldn’t eat food because of how much his stomach hurt. There were sleepless nights where Ben was in so much pain because of Them twisting around, pulling at his intestines. 

Ben was in so much pain and no one ever asked him if he was okay.

Maybe that’s why he was where he was now. Dead. 

He knew he had to die one way or another years before his actual death. He knew the precautions his Father had taken just in case. Ben didn’t want those just in case situations. He vowed to never let those precautions ever be taken, he would die before he lost total control. 

Better to die Ben then the monster, right? 

Of course he thought he had more time left. That's what everyone thinks when they die. 

Before they went on the mission Ben had been feeling off for weeks. His body ached more frequently and his emotions were out of control. He almost snapped at Diego for eating the last of the cereal. 

It wasn’t the right way to live. Ben knew how much being apart of the Umbrella Academy had made him miss out on life. 

Ben had read about the ocean. Ben has always wanted to see the ocean. 

Things just kept getting worse.

Once he was 17, he decided the next mission the Umbrella Academy had would be his last. Dying on a mission would be the best. He could hide the fact that he chose suicide over his family. 

Father would be proud of him for dying while fighting. His family wouldn’t blame themselves. No one could stop him before he did it. 

The mission they went on was a bank, another regular old bank mission. The siblings were confident that nothing would happen, bank missions were easy. This was their first mission as 17 year olds, Ben would only be 17 for 10 days. 

Ben remembered telling Mother and Vanya, “I love you!” before he walked out the door. Ben made sure to smile. Was that cruel of him?

Everything was fine. Ben would enter the vault alone. Klaus would be on watch. Allison would free the hostages while Diego and Luther handled any other leftover criminals on other floors. 

Ben did his job. He killed everyone in the vault, easily. Now he was alone.

Ben took his mask off, he didn’t want to die wearing it. He wanted to die as Ben, not The Horror, not as someone he wasn’t. 

For the last time he let the monsters out. They seemed hesitant but Ben wasn’t.

Ben felt pain but he didn’t scream.

Ben felt blood but he didn’t stop.

Then Ben felt relief but he didn’t die.

The tentacles returned as he was laying on the ground. Of course those bastards had saved themselves, so much for loyalty.

Ben was left to bleed out. He was alone. 

After what felt like a lifetime, his life escaped him. 

His vision blurred and his breathing was hard. Pain corrupted his whole body. He really was a glass canon huh? 

He closed his eyes for the last time. He was alone.

He smiled when he died. He was free.

\----

Luther cried when he saw his little brother surrounded by unfamiliar medics and police. He didn’t know it was his brother at first- he thought maybe another victim. He had to push his way through the crowd. Then he cried. 

Luther ran to his brother. He held Ben’s small body in his arms. Luther didn’t even notice how mutilated his brother was. 

Luther immediately blamed himself, if only he hadn’t ordered Ben to go in alone. Luther didn’t let go of his body. 

If only Luther had been more protective. Little Ben wouldn’t have died if Luther tried harder.

Luther never let go of the guilt. 

\----

Diego was angry. The death of Ben fueled his rage. His deep rooted hatred for the Umbrella Academy finally came to fruition. Ben was the final straw.

Diego never cried for Ben, he just felt wraith instead of remorse. His temper got the best of him.

Diego left a day after the funeral. He only looked back once to see Klaus staring at him through Ben’s window. 

Maybe if Ben had lived, Diego would have stayed.

\----

Allison was the first to notice the lack of presence after Ben’s death. There was just a void left. 

Allison was never close to Ben, but she cried whenever she went into the library. She could image a small boy tucked into a corner reading some big book but it never happened. The dinner table had another spot empty. 

The smiles. Allison missed Ben’s smiles, he was the best of them, he smiled after long training. It didn’t fool Allison, he wore his dumb smile to hide his pain.

Allison tried to rumor him back to life at his funeral. She whispered commands under her breath.

It didn’t work.

\----

Klaus knew that death wasn’t a final stage. His family thought he was inhumane for not crying during Ben’s funeral but he knew Ben was around. Klaus didn’t see Ben but he knew that he would show up soon. 

Klaus was the first to look for Ben. He searched the whole house but nothing. No little brother, he would show up soon, right?

Klaus was always asked to summon Ben. He was never strong enough- that or Ben didn’t want to be seen. Eventually his family stopped asking, they gave up on Klaus.

Klaus almost gave up on himself.

Ironically enough, a few days after they stopped asking, from the corner of Klaus’ eye he saw a figure dressed in dark clothing standing where his brother once stood, with tear stained cheeks.

\----

Five wished Ben were with him. He would give any shelter for company. 

Five wished he could have saved Ben from the apocalypse, it would have been helpful for him to be here. Ben knew how to tell directions by the stars, Ben was good company. 

Five kept thinking “If only Ben were here.”

Five learned that the apocalypse didn’t claim Ben. He had read Vanya’s book through tears and eventually stopped trying to bargain fate.

\----

Vanya continued to live because Ben could not. She told herself to stay alive for Ben, even if she believed she was the sibling who should have died.

Vanya stood in his room often. She knew how much pain he was in when he was younger, she could see how it got worse.

Vanya hoped Ben died happily. He probably didn’t but just maybe Ben knew what he was doing. Maybe he died because he wanted to… maybe it was for the best?

Maybe Ben was free now

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to check out my other Ben related fics! Also new fic in The Kid's series coming out either this weekend or Monday! Feedback is very appreciated <3


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